I'm about to get married and I've been struggling with my identity. I've been questioning God, but I've only heard silence. What is my life's purpose? What is it that He wants me to do?
I'm a very selfish person. I've come to realize this lately because when you're about to get married, your life is no longer about just you. In the back of my mind I knew I was selfish but it never really registered. How do you go about changing a character flaw about yourself when you've been set in your ways for so long? I'm not sure honestly...maybe that's why I'm writing on here? Maybe God wants me to realize this now so I can change it. I just am not certain I can. I want to change but I feel that I may be resisting God's will. I don't care about people that much...there it is, the "BIG" thing. In order for me to be unselfish it means I need to care more about other people. This is my biggest fault, my worst weakness.
If you ask anyone (except my close family members) they will say that I am a very friendly and nice person...I feel that this is my mask. What I am really feeling inside is a desire to be alone, to read books, anything...other than talk. I wear my mask well. Sometimes my facade slips when I haven't had enough time to myself. For instance, a couple of months ago my very good friend was talking on and on and on, and all I wanted to do was be by myself. I glared at him and let my mask fall away so he could see my contempt. He was taken aback to say the least. He stopped talking. I could tell he was offended by my look and I could sense he had never seen this side of me. He asked me if I was okay and what was wrong? I was instantly ashamed. He had no idea the cause for my anger. I came to realize my anger was unjustified. Why had I been so angry in the first place? Because he wanted to talk to me? It seemed so petty looking back at it now. I went to him later and apologized for my actions...I don't remember what I said, but I think I lied and said I was tired. Being the good friend that he is, he let it just fade away. I wish I could tell you that I never became angry with him again over this same subject, but I'm trying hard to be truthful.
Why can't I think of others more? Why can I never think of good conversations to say to people or I never remember anything about people's lives? Selfish? I guess. My mom always said I don't remember because I don't listen and I can't think of things to say because I think about myself too much. I do think it's easier to talk about one's self. Sometimes I will say something that sounds completely conceited and I will wonder to myself, "why did I say that?" Maybe God wants me to listen. Maybe that's why I can't hear God talking to me lately because I'm not listening. Be still. God I hear you now...
This is my prayer tonight.
Dear God, I was so tired tonight, but I couldn't sleep. I begged you to talk to me and you were silent...except I had this urge to write this blog. You did talk to me, just not the way I expected. God, I'm sorry I've been so selfish. Make me new Lord. Make me humble. May I bless others and think of them. Give me guidance, give me peace. Amen.
